Ever wonder what authors would do in the case of a zombie apocalypse? For the next several weeks, I’ll be posting the answers to that question on my blog…

This week, author Karen Spafford-Fitz weighs in on her zombie apocalypse survival plan.

Full disclosure: I have never watched a zombie movie in my life.

I don’t really understand what zombies are, or what they’re capable of doing. So I’m possibly the least qualified person to write about how I’d respond during a Zombie Apocalypse. Nonetheless, I’m surprised by my strength of conviction about how I’d survive such an attack.

First of all, I am NOT a morning person.

In fact, I have been described as [wait for it….] a ZOMBIE in the morning. Doesn’t that already give me an edge? So if the Zombie Apocalypse were to happen in the morning hours—and my odds are 50/50—any zombie warriors would simply assume I was one of them and would pass me by. Because we’re talking zombies—not cannibals, right? (PLEASE tell me zombies aren’t cannibals too. Otherwise, I’m hooped!)

Just in case I’m wrong about the cannibalism thing, I have a second skill that would surely prove invaluable:

I am profoundly directionally-challenged. In fact, the only thing more non-existent than my knowledge of zombies, is my non-existent sense of direction. My daughters even have a rule when travelling with me: “If Mom says to turn left, just turn right and you’ll be fine.” My directional challenges are virtually on the superpower level. I defy anyone to figure out why I just turned left, veered right, hopped over a fence, or made any other directional move. Even I am without explanation for them. I am one-hundred-percent unpredictable and would baffle even the smartest—or the dumbest—zombie going. Take that, Zombo!

If, on the slightest off-chance, neither of the above happened to work, I’d do something else supremely clever. Like, I’d eat a clove of garlic or I’d wear a cross. Because that would work too. Wouldn’t it?

Karen Spafford-Fitz is the author of three middle-grade and teen novels: Saving Grad, Vanish and Dog Walker. Her two new books, Unity Club (Orca) and Push Back (Lorimer) will be released in fall 2018. Karen lives in Edmonton, Alberta where she anticipates adding “Zombie Escape Artist” to her resumé.